Monthly Archives: September 2011

And now the truth comes out.

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As previously and recently reported, I am terrified of snakes, avoiding them at all costs.

But unfortunately, I’ve had experiences. Mind-numbingly scary experiences. I won’t go into too much detail here, to give myself something to write about when my life gets horribly boring.

Which will be in about 3 days.

Even though I’ve been scared out of my mind by snakes in the past, I’ve always had that place where I felt safe from all slithering evil.

Home.

With the recent events of skin-sightings, snakes have been a common topic of discussion at the Casa de Rae and Steve, making home seem not quite so safe anymore.

Rae: (after looking at the blog stats on my smartphone) Ooo! 6 people have looked at my blog!

Steve: Do you have a new post or something?

Rae: Yeah, I wrote about cutting the grass.

Steve: Seriously?

Rae: Yeah, seriously. It’s not just about cutting the grass. It’s about going out and facing my greatest fear. And hoping to mow down that fear into millions of little bits.

Steve: (Long pause contemplating if he should say the following statement) Okay, honestly, I’ve only killed two snakes that I saw in our yard.

Rae: (complete silence)

Steve: And I’ve only seen them in the far back corner.

Rae: (Frantically) Which corner? The one by the lilac bushes?

Steve: No. The other one.

Rae: You’ve seen two snakes in our yard?!?

Steve: No. Four. I only killed two of them.

Rae: (Fear starts to take over. Breathing slows. Brain fuzzes over.)

Steve: But they only come to our yard to visit. They live in the field. And if they build houses in the field, then they’ll move out. And when they visit, they stick to the backyard.

Rae: Except for the skins that we saw in the front yard.

Steve: Oh yeah.

In light of these new findings, I’ve decided to become a hermit. It’s easier than moving. And yes, I will miss things like going to movies and baseball games and driving my car, but luckily most pizza places deliver, so I should be able to survive pretty easily.

What I don’t really know is if I should appreciate Steve’s new-found snake honesty or if I would have rather lived in a fantasy world where there was a well-trained yet secretive mongoose that lived in the field behind our house, eating all of the snakes and entertaining The Beast during the day by dancing in our yard. And I’d name him Marty.

I can totally believe the mongoose thing. Except that they don’t live in Minnesota. And there’s a possibility that a mongoose might actually be more of a threat to me than garter snakes.

But it’s only a possibility, so I’m willing to take that risk.

Doesn’t anyone happen to know where I can get a mongoose? That might be even easier than being a hermit.

Marty Mongoose is here to save the day!

I have nothing to fear but fear iteself. And snakes.

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Wednesday night, Steve had mentioned something about cutting the grass and making salsa on Thursday night after work. Trying to be helpful, I asked if he had filled in the recently discovered snake-hole in our yard.

Steve: “No…”

Rae: “Well, I was going to help you by cutting the grass, but now I won’t. Not while they’re out there…”

Steve: slight eyeroll.

I imagine that Steve did not believe that I would actually cut the grass because he never saw me do it before. And it would involve me partaking in physical activity.

This picture is a misrepresentation of the snake(s) that supposedly dwell in our yard. I’m absolutely positive that our local snakes look much scarier and man-eating that this smiling bafoon.

Not that I’ve seen one in our yard…

But still. I know they’re scarier. Even their shedded skin is frightening.

And note: I couldn’t even put a real picture of a snake on this post. The idea of Googling pictures of snakes makes me hyperventilate.

After feeling like I was the size of a house all day on Thursday at work, I decided that maybe it wouldn’t be too bad of an idea to help Steve. Plus, he does pretty much everything.

The only problem was those darn snakes.

They ruin my days.

Now, you may say, “Rae, so what? You’re afraid of snakes. Get over it, you pansy.”

But this isn’t just that I’m afraid of them. It’s some sort of sick, twisted fear that causes my lungs to stop and my legs to move faster than they ever have before. I never knew I could run so fast until we saw a snake on a walk last year.

And yes, you may say that these are just your average run-of-the-mill garter snake and they’re actually beneficially to have around if you don’t want your yard to be overrun with mice and toads and mosquitoes and other various creepy-crawling creatures.

Oh yeah?

I don’t care.

I’d rather have a million mosquito bites on my butt than see a snake. Living. In my yard.

Or worse: Feta with a snake in her mouth. I’m pretty sure that I’d puke all over the place if that happened.

***shutter***

I can’t even think about it right now.

So gross.

But I decided yesterday that I can not live my life in fear forever. I sent out Feta to scare away any yard-invaders and then followed behind with the mower. If Steve wasn’t going to take care of our growing reptile population, I was, one chopped up snake at a time.

After a few passes across the yard, I had yet to see anything except a ton of grasshoppers and a very large toad that retreated into the field behind our house.

And then there it was:

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a teeny, tiny bit, but there was a hole located quite close to our slowly-growing lilac bushes in the back corner of the yard that resembled the one thing I did not want to see:

The snake hole.

Once I returned to reality after a brief meltdown, I hurriedly cut that part of the yard and moved on to finish the rest of the yard without a sighting of an actual slithering, sneaky you-know-what.

Later that evening, while Steve was making salsa, I told him that I found the snake hole, so he doesn’t need to hide it from me anymore.

Rae: “Wait, you tell me where the snake hole is that you know about.”

Steve: “Up by the front corner of the house. Why?”

I imagine I looked something like this.

Only with smaller eyebrows and more hair.